Big Picture:

Not all babies are the same.

The hard truth:

Biologically some littles are “harder” than others and it’s not because you’re doing something wrong, nor is it something wrong with them.

The reason?

Temperament traits are real and they matter. Some parents will be faced with their little ones’ preferences (or demands) from the get-go, but all parents will start to see their babies’ unique personalities or temperament traits unfold as they grow.

Nature vs. Nurture

Once upon a time, the Behavioral Sciences field was split into two as it tried to explain whether humans are a product of their environment, either prenatal or during a person’s life (i.e. born a blank slate), or a product of their genetics (i.e. predetermined destiny).

Luckily, technological advances resolved the debate in the early 2000s (umm… not a long time ago) when it became widely accepted that both “nature” and “nurture” factors were found to substantially contribute to human development (surprise, surprise).

Meaning, that although we are absolutely shaped and influenced by our environment, we are ALSO born into this world as unique, individuals.

Key Takeaway: Understanding the different traits of temperament can help you understand and support your child.

When it comes to skill mastery or life “success,” your little’s innate traits will be experienced as a strength or weakness depending on what is being asked of them. For example, the same traits that may influence a “bad sleeper” may make a great leader (active,  persistent, sensitive, intense).

How does Temperament apply to parenting?

It’s our job to seek out how to help them lean into or manage their traits as needed to succeed, rather than attempt to judge, squelch, or change who they innately are.

Wow. This is super specific and direct parenting advice. What happened to no “right” way to mom?

Okay, you got me. That’s not technically parenting advice as much as it is therapy 101.

You see, temperament traits are thought to be a fixed, inherited blueprint that each child is born with. Essentially it is our own personal “style” that determines how we approach and react to the world around us.

When it comes to your little or yourself, attempts to judge, squelch, or change these traits are not only a losing battle, you risk internalizing these efforts as a deeply personal rejection of who you are.

Such rejections often manifest as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, substance abuse, relationship problems, and an overall reduction in life satisfaction.

In short – When judging, squelching, or attempting to change “problematic” temperament traits, you end up creating a mountain out of a molehill.

So how should I parent or respond to the challenges temperament traits create?

Great question! So glad you asked 🙂

It’s about fully and unconditionally accepting who your little is while teaching them how to get out of their own way (manage/cope) when their traits are inhibiting them from doing, being, or showing up as needed or as they personally desire/value.

For example, let’s say your little one is socially reserved. Unconditional acceptance may look like letting go of your desire for her to be a “social butterfly,” while also identifying when she needs help managing the discomfort that arises when it comes to carrying out essential life skills or tasks; such as, making a new friend or participating in class.

TIPS

Money-back guarantee – Focus on goodness-of-fit and everything else will fall into place. 

The compatibility of your little’s temperament with his surrounding environment is referred to as “goodness of fit.” Some temperaments and environments seem to naturally fit together, while others do not.

There are two types of “Goodness of Fit:”

• How that trait interacts with the environment
• How it interacts with the people in that environment.

REMEMBER, any trait in and of itself is not a problem; rather, it is the interaction that determines the “acceptability” of that trait.

Chicken or the Egg: “Parenting” Temperament

“Parenting was much easier when my children were imaginary.” ~ unknown 

While we largely focused on how parenting styles influence children, research continues to suggest our children’s temperament traits influence our parenting…

Meaning, that your temperament will determine how you respond to your child’s temperament and vice versa. 

Acceptance of this bi-directional, interactive relationship allows you to:

• Consider what changes or supports may be needed to create a better match between you, your child, and the environment.
• Approach struggles and challenges with more empathy by replacing judgment with self-compassion and acceptance.
• Help you and your children understand and manage your/their reactions that inhibit/interfere with goals and happiness.
• Establish realistic expectations about your children, yourself, and the challenges you/they experience.
• Make choices and select activities that are a better “fit” for you/them so you all can feel more successful.

TOOLS

HERE is a MUST READ resource that breaks down each of the 9 temperament trait categories,  helps you to identify how you and your little are similar and how you are different, AND provides suggestions on how to foster goodness-of-fit for each combination of each trait… you’re welcome 🙂

Tricks

Put the parenting book down and establish goodness of fit by focusing your energy on the following:

• Get to know your children’s temperament.
  Turn your active observation skills towards your little one so you can better understand their usual way of reacting in situations.
• Learn and accept your temperament.
  Often we don’t know ourselves as well as we think. Begin paying attention to your typical ways of responding to your little and the demands/responsibilities of your role.
• Assess how well situations and environments fit your child’s temperament.
  Change schedules and physical surroundings to better fit your child’s temperament.

  For example, if you have a child that is highly active, plan a trip to the playground where the child can run and climb before you head out to the store to go shopping.

• Consider how your reactions to your children affect their behavior.
  What is your response when your children’s temperament clashes with your expectations? Get curious about whether your child needs you to help them manage their temperament or whether you need to adjust your expectations.
• Work to respond more sensitively and effectively to your children.
  Society praises and demonizes certain traits. Help your little one create an internal buffer by first becoming aware of your own biases, then learning to describe and re-frame some of the negative labels with positive labels.
• Anticipate your child’s needs and reactions.
  Work together to plan for successful outcomes. They will internalize these lessons and be able to utilize them independently as they grow older.

  For example, if your child is low on adaptability and slow to approach new situations, prepare him in advance for new situations by being as specific and detailed as you can about what he can expect.

• Help your children learn ways they can help themselves “fit” better in all environments.
  Teach your children about their temperament and about goodness of fit. Teach them what they can do to manage both.