Goodness of Fit

The elephant in the room: Some temperaments and traits are more desired than others. And it’s ok to admit that some traits can be exhausting to parent. Even the most awe-inspiring characteristics can be problematic in certain situations. However, which qualities fall into which category is a matter of perception, circumstance, preference, and opinion. Referring to…

Goodness of fit

Goodness of fit refers to the match between a person’s temperament and his/her surrounding environment.

There are two elements to consider when looking at match:

• How traits interact with the environment
• How traits interact with the people in the environment

Remember, traits in of themselves are not good or bad. Rather, it is the interaction of the trait with its surroundings that determines “acceptability” of that trait.

When the fit is good, enjoy! Soak it up. These are the moments where parenting is easy. But it’s ok to recognize when there are certain parts of your little’s temperament that are hard for you to parent. It’s even ok to accept when you don’t like certain traits or the behaviors they create. In fact, it’s more than ok, it’s super important!

Parenting From the Inside Out

Three things to consider when assessing your role + response to your little’s temperament:

• Your own temperament traits
• Your upbringing, influences, and experiences (what traits were you taught to flaunt or suppress)
• The need for self-care (everything is harder when you’re running on empty)

Remember how your upbringing and environment shapes how you see yourself, others and the world?

Well, that’s likely what is coming into play when you have a strong reaction to a particular temperament trait of your baby or child.

These reactions are automatic and natural, but if you want to change the way you are responding, or reduce your reactivity, the best way is to gain awareness and insight into your reaction. You can do this by:

• Be Honest.

  • Acknowledge when a trait/response bothers or embarrasses you.

• Be Observant.

  • Pay attention to when you attempt to control or change a response.

• Pay Attention.

  • Note when trait/response triggers you to parent in a way you otherwise choose not to.

• Seek Understanding. Sit and ask yourself:

  • What does this remind me of?
  • Why am I responding this way?
  • Where does this response come from?
  • How was this trait/response treated/viewed when I was a child?

Important Parenting Takeaway:

An awareness and understanding of yourself will allow you to be in better control of your own responses. It all comes back to helping the upper brain understand so that it can consciously chose how to respond.

Creating Goodness of Fit

Protecting the relationship + responding as a safe base + making life easier for you = creating goodness of fit

Where baby fits into the equation:

• Become an active observer of your little’s reactions- Learn and try to understand their responses.
• Take time to think about their behaviors and what traits might be driving them. Looks for patterns.
• When possible, consider and anticipate your little’s different traits when planning activities or creating routines.
• Anticipate their needs and reactions and try to avoid, minimize, or plan for them. Or more realistically, make note of and learn what high-risk situations (i.e. the situations of which they simply aren’t a good fit or must be actively prepped and planned for).

Where you fit into the equation:

• Consider your own temperament and responses. Identify the ways your own traits mesh or clash with your little.
• Consider how your own reaction might affect their behavior (i.e. how your response triggers their lower brain).
• Continuously review your expectations for your little, your preferences, and your values + question if they’re realistic and appropriate.

Where your responses fit into the equation:

• Find ways to enjoy and celebrate their traits. Build up and focus on the positive aspects. Make them feel special.
• Learn how to distinguish between an emotional tantrum that is temperamentally induced (i.e. a lower brain tantrum that needs to be comforted and soothed) versus one that is calculated and controlled (i.e., an upper brain tantrum that’s not to be rewarded or enforced).
• Respond more sensitively. Be mindful of negative labels of traits that could later be internalized by your little.
• Help your children learn ways they can help themselves “fit” better in all environments. It’s about helping your child manage their temperament when needed, not attempting to squash or control it.