Self- Compassion: Resiliency in your external world, starts in your internal world.
The outside world will always contain aspects of judgment, criticism, expectations, standards, and mixed messages.
We can’t expect ourselves to stay true to ourselves (and our littles’) if internally we aren’t supporting and loving ourselves.
The more we can work on developing an internal world that is accepting, realistic and supportive of our experiences, the more we will be able to stand tall in a world full of noise, uncertainty, and struggle.
To gain a better awareness of your current level of self-compassion, take this survey created by Dr. Kristin Neff, Researcher and Associate Professor at the University of Texas at Austin. Survey found here.
Full Disclosure: I promise the survey is worth your time. I’m presenting and preaching this information and I was surprised by how low I scored in several areas of self-compassion. Well, kind of surprised, I’m fully aware I have much work to do. This is a lifetime process for everyone. No one is immune to life, struggles, or societal/family messages. However, this survey allowed me to better focus my efforts, by pointing out where I am most vulnerable to self-criticism.
Challenging Self-Compassion in Three Steps:
Awareness comes first and then comes making intentional mental reframes and switches.
Step 1: Self-kindness vs. Self-judgment.
We all know that we can often be the most critical of ourselves. However, this acceptance feeds into a pattern of internal baggage and pain. When you notice yourself going down this path, that’s your cue to begin making the mental switch.
Mental Switch: Talk to yourself as you would a friend. Literally. When you notice yourself being critical toward yourself, imagine how you would respond if a friend was sharing your experiences to you and then apply that response to yourself.
This practice allows you to take two steps back from your situation and take an objective stance. It allows you to host empathy and understanding of your thoughts and emotions, even if you don’t agree with them.
Want to apply this to parenting?
Model and practice this on yourself, but also help your little build resiliency by applying this to your parenting toolbox. Remembering that thoughts and emotions are automatic, as parents, we can help support our littles through these experiences by helping them identify, empathize, and sit with them. The more we can help our little identify, tolerate and accept thoughts and feelings the better they will get at self-regulating (i.e. moving through these emotions).
Step 2: Common humanity vs. Isolation.
The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect.
Nonetheless, frustration at not having things exactly as we want (or expected) is often accompanied by an irrational but pervasive sense of isolation – feeling as if “I” were the only person having these thoughts, feelings or making mistakes.
Mental Switch:
- Normalize your experience. If you’re having trouble doing this, reach out to “those who get it.” Reach out to your mom-tribe to normalize it for you when you can’t step outside of your current moment.
- Be open to vulnerability– Often we think we “shouldn’t” feel negative emotions. We run from them or desperately attempt to fix, change, and control them. Problem is, we don’t get to pick what we feel. If attempt never to feel negative emotions it also blocks us from never feeling positive emotions (that’s just how the brain works). It leaves us numb. The solution? embrace the human experience. Embrace the struggle. Sit in the discomfort. Reminding yourself life is full of struggles, and that you were made to struggle. Through struggle comes resilience.
Side note: Guess what one of the most vulnerable feelings to feel is… Joy. True joy can feel threating to the brain. The brain fears the painful loss of this joy. As a result, the brain then responds but worrying about what could go wrong. It’s a maladaptive attempt to be prepared and control the experience if something does go wrong. The unfortunate truth is, no amount of worry can dull the pain, but worry most certainly dulls the joy.
Want to apply this to parenting?
Model and practice this on yourself, but also help your little build resiliency by applying this to your parenting toolbox. Allowing your children to accept and experience struggle, allows them to learn, to build hope, competence, and resilience. Think about how sitting in group has felt for you. In group we aren’t taking over for each other. We aren’t rescuing each other. We are sitting in the struggle together, talking the real talk, normalizing our experiences, and accepting each other unconditionally. Being able to do this for your children, as they get to the older stages, is parenting magic.
Step 3: Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification.
Take a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.
Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. We cannot ignore our pain and feel compassion for it at the same time. However, mindfulness requires that we not be “over-identified” with thoughts and feelings, so that we are caught up and swept away by negative reactivity.
Mental Switch: Identifying and correcting shame vs. guilt talk.
The easiest way to do this is to separate yourself from your behavior. There is a significant difference between “I am bad” (shame talk) and “I did something bad or feel bad” (guilt talk). Guilt talk gives a sense that it can be changed or worked on. That is was a mistake, but it doesn’t define you. Shame talk attacks a person worth and sense of self.
For example, consciously switching “I should be enjoying this” to “I want to be enjoying this more.”
Another red flag to keep in mind, is shame talk LOVES prerequisites. You know it’s shame talk if you can identify an “If/When” tone.
For example, I’m a good mom if/when…
- When I exclusively breastfeed for a year
- When I get them sleeping in their own bed
- If I always make them happy
- If I’m always happy
- When I lose all my baby weight
- When I know exactly how to handle every situation
- When they graduate the top of their class and are accepted into med school with a full ride scholarship…
Question to ask yourself: Is your worth or success as a mother tied to a certain message?
Want to apply this to parenting?
Shame talk can be genetic. Some are just born more resilient or sensitive to this. However, these messages are also easily handed down to our children through modeling. We help our children develop shame resilience by staying very mindful and modeling how to combat and bounce back from our own sham talk. We as parents can also directly apply these techniques to our children and parenting styles. Being mindful to practice separating their behaviors from who they are is a great way to practice. For example, “You are not listening to me,” vs. “You are a bad listener.”
Quick Recap:
Resiliency in motherhood equals shame resilience, and shame resilience is practiced by-
- Being Mindful- Identify when it’s happening. Be able to name it.
- Challenging It- Know how to label and reframe it to guilt talk
- Normalizing It- Reach out and share your story with trusted people.
- Practicing Self-Care- Ask for what you need. Prioritize your needs.
Feel a little lost in the self-care department? Read on HERE