From infancy into adulthood, you will forever be faced with a new task, stage or situation that you need to figure out how to parent. Just like the parenting, the learning never stops. Throughout every stage, the Milestones’ lens can be used to give you a starting point from which to begin your detective work.
Using Your Toolbox
Step 1: Consider the brain consider the brain
A. Expectation check– Is this behavior developmental normal? Is your expectation developmentally realistic?
Consider the slow maturation process of the upper brain. Some of the most frustrating behaviors and stages are purely a result of immature mental processes. Meaning the only solution is time and the best response is making sure you have support and practice self-care.
B. Lower brain– Is the lower brain activated? Did the lower brain take control (flip their lid)?
Remember responding to the lower brain need for safety (physical and emotional) is the quickest way to de-escalate a situation and get the upper (more rational brain) online.
C. Feed the upper brain– How can I help the upper brain understand? How can I help connect the dots?
Don’t forget, labeling emotions, narrating activates/behaviors/stations/life, and lots and lots of repetition helps the upper brain get quicker and quicker at identifying and responding to experiences.
Step 2: Be mindful of the connection/relationship piece
A. Feed the connection– Is the relationship stressed? Could they use some positive interactions?
When in doubt, connect. Big picture wise it is your ability to make your little feel loved, accepted, and safe that will have the greatest impact. Let this be your default if you’re caught in a moment of uncertainty.
B. Repair the connection– Did your response push them to flip their lid? Did your response create a relationship-injury? Did you react in a way you reject or felt was disrespectful?
Remember your little is very dependent on you. Because of this, the brain is wired to feel stressed by parental rejection (real or perceived). Being mindful of this power difference is important in protecting the relationship. When you know or sense an emotional injury happened (and they will) address it. Model how to repair a relationship. Relationship-injuries happen, model that everyone is human and it’s ok to be human.
Step 3: Consider their individual temperament and personality
A. Expectation check– Will this be an easy or hard fit? How can I expect him/her to react or response? What am I bringing into the equation and experience?
Just like your little, your upper brain needs to properly identify the situation to respond effectively. Meaning, your both learning and figuring it out. A big piece of parenting is learning to always be a curious detective.
B. Adaption- What can I do to help make this more successful? How can I support my little in adapting? How can make the situation a better fit? What battles do I want to pick and choose?
Once you have a read of the situation you can come up with ways to attempt to set them (and yourself) up for success. This is a constantly changing, experimental process. It’s switching focus from trying to change or control your little’s temperament to helping them learn to manage it as needed.
Oh and Good News!! Google is back on the table!
When you are faced with a situation you aren’t sure how to address, there is no need to re-create the wheel. This is when this over-information age comes in handy. Practice responsible googling and use these steps to avoid going down the rabbit hole:
Step 1. Identify the behavior, situation, or question. Google it.
Step 2. Remind yourself that there is not a single “right” way to do anything as you read the many opinions and options surrounding your search.
Step 3. Use what you know about you and your little and confidently eliminate options that don’t fit your values or personality.
Step 4. Always view information through the above Milestones’ lens. Confidently eliminate things that don’t pass the brain, connection, temperament test.
Step 5. Don’t mom alone. Talk about your thoughts and the google search with your support team (i.e. partner, mom-friends, pediatrician, etc.) and repeat steps 2-4 when listening to their answers.
Step 6. Identify what sounds like a good fit or solution for you. Try it on. Remember repetition and consistency is needed for most anything to work. But also remember, it’s all a big experiment so it’s ok to get it wrong, move on and try something new.