Feel like you are having trouble attuning into your little?
Parenting in today’s world is hard. There are many things distractions competing for our attention. If, despite effort and time, you continue to feel disconnected from your little, here are some things to be mindful of.
Top 10 Things that Prevent Parents from Learning + Responding to Their Baby’s Cues
Electronic Distractions–
We love them. We’re addicted to them. They’re our cameras. There is no denying that electronics are in direct competition with your little for your attention. In addressing this, like most things, the solution is going to be personal. The best route to identifying what fits your family’s vision and values is:
A) Become aware of how much electronics are used (sadly… background TV counts),
B) Identify your ideal amount of electronics usage and specific “no tech times,”
C) Change the habit. Take baby steps if the addiction is strong. Remember it takes three weeks to establish a new habit and relapses are to be expected.
Not enough one-on-one time–
Life is busy. Amongst all the adulting and living it’s easy to spend a whole day with your little and not actually spend time with your little. Add multiple children to your world and the windows for quality 1 on 1 time diminish greatly. But that’s just a fact of life. What it means, is 1 on 1 time needs to be prioritized and scheduled in if needed. Committing to just 10 minutes of quality 1 on 1 time (with focused connection + engagement) can make all the difference (especially for siblings).
Overstimulation and over engagement-
Stressing on the importance of these first years and all the things you want to fit in while your little is a brain-sponge? It’s important to remember to pump the breaks. Sometimes the best intentions can lead to too much stimulation, too much play, too many people, and not enough free time and space to be themselves. As with many things in life, balance is key.
Labels-
It’s completely human nature to attempt to categorize, understand and label your little (remember, brains like patterns). In fact, it’s so much a part of human nature that it doesn’t feel right to say “don’t use labels” as it would just create an unnecessary guilt when the unavoidable happens and you use a label. Instead, the importance lies in being aware that labels can prevent you from seeing characteristics that may contradict the label. Even the strongest personality traits will have occasional outliner experiences and reactions. Keeping your mind open will leave room for you to witness all the complexities of your child beyond their glaring truths.
Projection-
A psychology buzz word explaining the common phenomenon in which you transfer your own thoughts or emotions onto someone else. Typically, this can cause you to overlook the truth or that person’s experience. Attempting to using your own thoughts and emotions to understand your little’s needs is not a bad idea on its own. In fact, it can be a very useful tool and is often a great first step. However, self-awareness is key in making sure we aren’t falsely projecting. Projecting that those adorable, yet tight pants might be hurting their tummy is helpful. Projecting that those tears are a result of you being a bad mother is not.
Anxiety and Fear-
Totally common. Most all new parents get bogged down by them. Many of these anxieties are really real + completely understandable. Many of them are super unrealistic and your new mom brain’s way of protecting, yet torturing yourself. Whether real or unnecessary, the greatest response to them is to focus on the present and connect to the moment with your little. You’ll never be able to control if you have them, but when you notice them try and limit the amount of time you allow yourself to entertain them. Try to briefly acknowledge the fear and intentionally re-focus back on the moment in front of you. You won’t always be able to live in the moment, but it is important that you bring yourself back to it regularly.
Your own traumas-
If you had a difficult or abusive childhood, it can be especially challenging to tune into your own little’s needs without judgment or strong reactions. Taking the time to resolve these traumas and better understand your own experience might be one of the most important parenting choices you can make. In fact, even in the most “typical” or “normal” upbringings, family dynamics or experiences can play a big roll in how you view and interact with your little. Having an understanding and awareness around your own upbringing will give you more freedom to choose what you want to mimic from your childhood and what you want to change.
Anxiety and postpartum depression-
Experiencing a case of the “baby blues” in the first couple of weeks following the birth is very normal and experienced by the majority of women (thanks hormones). But if the “blues” don’t begin to even out within a couple weeks, or if it begins to feel unbearable to function as your very overwhelmed, sleep deprived self would normally function (hard is normal, near unmanageable is concerning), then you’d be advised to speak to someone about Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADS). PMADS are common (1 in 5 women will experience them) and treatable. Those experiencing PMADS will find it near hard and/or unenjoyable to do much of anything let alone the complex task of caring + attuning to your little.
Difficult Accepting Your Child’s Negative Emotions-
The “good” is easy to accept and enjoy. It’s the human parts of our littles that we often find hard to experience and parent. It’s the big negative emotions that can trigger and overwhelm us. It’s during these emotions or behaviors that you may tend to stop trying to understand and instead look to squash or fix immediately. However, it is unavoidable. Your little is human and this behavior is very appropriate and developmentally necessary. If you can fight the urge to immediately put out the fire and instead make an effort to understand, support and sometimes let the fire burn, you will be doing yourself and your little a favor in the short and long game (win-win).
Worrying About Others-
Essentially rolling 1-9 into each other you get the mother of all distractions, caring about what other people think. It’d be easy to lecture you on how you should never worry about others, but we all know it’s not that easy. Therefore, awareness becomes the key. Making yourself aware of when you are feeling pressure or judgment (real or perceived) from others and choose if it something you want to respond to or ignore. Allow yourself to hear the noise created by well-meaning (benefit of the doubt) family members, experts, and strangers with a grain of salt and only applying what you feel fits. Remind yourself that public tantrums are normal and that they don’t define you as parent. Remembering, you are the only one who knows the whole picture and you are the one who knows your little the best.
Top 10 Things that Prevent You from Learning + Responding to Your Cues
Re-read points 1-10 above and apply them to yourself.
You deserve the same love, attention, and consideration as your little.