Remember how the brain is always learning and seeking patterns to help it understand and predict the world?

Well, important remember learning requires repetition.

The more something is repeated, the stronger the learned connection (or wired pathway) becomes in the brain.

For example, take playing a sport. The more you practice the better and quicker your brain gets at performing the practiced behavior. As an athlete, your goal is to practice so much (repetition) that your brain can react immediately and automatically as needed. If you occasionally practice incorrect or make a mistake, that does not undo or impact all the other times you practiced the desired behavior correctly.

How does this have to do with being a mom?

As a “good enough mother” you are providing your little’s brain with 1000s upon 1000s of positive messages and experiences throughout the days. The handful (or even 100s) of times in which you don’t respond “ideally” will not make a lasting impression on your little’s brain provided the overall experience and connection is positive.

 

To take that a step further…

KEY THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN QUESTIONING YOUR RELATIONSHIP –

  • It’s not about being the hero – Research shows it’s not about fixing the problem or always knowing how to soothe baby. It’s about showing up, acknowledging their experience, and sitting in the hard moments with them.
  • Independent play is important – Don’t worry about taking time for yourself or to address your other responsibilities. Research shows child need independent, unstructured play. This type of play is correlated with increased independence, problem-solving, and creativity (just to name a few).
  • Perfect is impossible – You will have moments in which you parent or respond in ways of which you are not proud of. When these moments happen (and once your lower brain has calmed), use them to teach your little how to repair a relationship. Instead of focusing on what you did wrong, focus on modeling the appropriate way to take responsibility for your actions or apologize for an inappropriate response. You are not only showing them it’s ok to be human, but you are teaching them valuable life and social skills.

 

Parenting from the inside out

That being said, there are two important factors that impact your ability to be emotionally and mentally connected with your little:

  1. Self- Care – Remember what we learned about our lower brains, we can only capable of handling so much stress before lower brain takes the wheel (View HERE). It’s essential that you secure your oxygen mask before helping them with theirs.
  2. Your own attachment style – The way you learned to interact with yourself, your world and others is often the way you default parent (Auto-Pilot). But it doesn’t have to be if you don’t want it to be. By being aware of what you (or your past) bring into the relationship, you give yourself the opportunity to make informed decisions about the parent you want to be.

 

In the end, it comes down to this…

“Every child needs at least one adult who is irrationally crazy about him or her” ~ Urie Bronfenbrenner

World-renowned child psychologist, Bronfenbrenner’s research highlights the power of human relationships to propel children on pathways to problematic or positive life outcomes. His most basic belief states in scientific terms how trusting bonds with children are the most powerful force in positive youth development.